Always on my mind
by Karinka-ten
Summary: I wouldnt treat her the way you do. I know she's your fiance. I also know that you absolutely dont deserve her, even remotely. Sakura isnt some tool for you to stroke your ego with. She's a beautiful woman, dazzling in her complexity, maddening in her mystery & you underestimate her everyday & because of that you'll never make her truly happy. I love her beyond my own understanding
1. stay with me

**Always on my mind**

**Chapter 1**

"**Stay with me"**

It was the annual Christmas party at KPW firm; the employees were getting drunk while reggae music played in the background from the karaoke machine. Sakura Kinomoto, an accountant for the company stood by a corner trying hard to smile against the tears that were swelling up her tired eyes. She playfully danced the wine glass between her long slender fingers as she wondered how she will get home tonight. She could not stand this crowd anymore and she just wanted to go home. It was a night of true colors; even Doreen, the shy secretary was rumored to have flashed a boob or two out. In all her two years of working there, this year was certainly nothing like the previous year.

Her eyes peered the room and she was aware for a moment of how anti-social she was being. She could see her colleague Syaoran Li from the corner of her eye. She glanced at him for a moment then rolled her eyes and shook her head. On his arm was his latest conquest, a beautiful woman, a model, Sakura concluded from her tall slender frame and beautiful face. Seeing Syoaran made her pity herself even more; her hand trembled and she turned her back and vision from Syaoran. She thought how could one person could be so shallow and she then she wondered how it was like to be one of Syaoran conquests. She shook the thought out of her head and carried on sulking with an aching heart. She could see them approaching her. She sighed and thought about quickly walking away before they notice she was avoiding them. But alas, they caught her. .

"Sakura." Syaoran said in a cool tone that told her that he had not been drinking tonight.

Sakura pretended to be startled "Oh, hi...I didn't see you there."

He smirked and his eyes lit up at her response as though he knew she was pretending to be surprised.

"Did you see Georges Karoke? You wouldn't think he is the same guy who gives us a hard time every day" Syaoran cackled but Sakura kept a straight face.

"Why aren't you on the dance floor?" he asked her speaking a bit louder.

She completely turned to face him and looked him in the eyes "Why aren't you?" there was disdain in her tone that took Syaoran aback. He held back a grin and instead, he awkwardly placed his hands in his pockets. "Its better than last year..."

While they exchanged small talk, Syaoran's model female friend just stood there next to him. She was motionless and she appeared bored and impatient. She kept her face away from Sakura for the most part. Sakura found it odd that he made no attempt to introduce her. He was an asshole. The scene reminded her of those high school movies, where the popular guy would ignore his cheerleader girlfriend while he chatted to the dorky science nerd. She was not a dorky science nerd...well not anymore.

The six foot model suddenly leaned in and whispered something in his ears. He said to her "We'll leave in an hour."

Sakura gave an awkward smile. "Syaoran, aren't you going to introduce us?"

"Oh, Sakura, this is Nami." He said hastily as though almost embarrassed.

Sakura extended her hand for a handshake and said "Its nice to meet you."

Nami responded with "Where is the bathroom?"

"Down the hall, on your left." Syaoran gave Sakura a _"see what I have to deal with"_ kind of look.

Nami nodded and walked off.

"Your girlfriend beautiful." Sakura commented.

"She is beautiful, not my girlfriend though. Her left eye is blue and brown. She wants to leave, says she hates things like this." Syaoran said biting his lower lip aware that he sounded cocky and almost as though he was showing off. He saw Sakura's lower lip tremble for a moment and he could see tears slowly filling her eyes. He could not believe that it took him this long to realize how sad she was. The Sakura he knew had a bright warm personality. She was cold and somewhat distant tonight.

He reached out and dramatically grabbed her forearm, startling her and forcing her to look straight into his eyes "What's wrong?" he asked her.

Sakura pulled away easily and muttered "You're a jerk" She said drinking up her wine. "Like all men."

"Come on really, tell me what's wrong." He said in a half whisper.

Sakura was quiet.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She shook her head "No."

"Lets go outside." said.

Sakura just stood still then a single teardrop ran down her face. She wiped it off quickly with her fingers.

"Okay, you are going to make me hug you and cause a scene and everyone will start looking at us." He could hardly believe he said that. He could feel a lump in his throat and suddenly he was nervous. He hated seeing her so sad, his mind started to wonder what could possibly bring tears to this beautiful ray of sunshine.

"Alright." She finally said.

They walked outside to the balcony. Syaoran loosened his tie while she settled comfortably on the wooden floor. He sat next to her, surprised that she wanted them to sit down. He concluded she was slightly drunk. She settled the glass of wine next to her. There was a beautiful night sky overlooking them. The were 10 stories high above the ground. Tokyo had never looked as lovely as it did tonight.

"So what's wrong." he asked her after a moment of silence. He relaxed his shoulders and kept his vision fixed on her while she stared ahead. There was a crisp wind in the night air that made the two of them shudder at the same time.

"Ryu is cheating on me..." she said bursting into tears "My best friend Tomoyo told me just about an hour ago. She buried her head in his chest and sobbed. Syaoran slowly snaked his arms around her delicate frame.

"I'm sorry." He said; perhaps he was not really sorry, he thought for a moment as he brought her closer into him. She withdrew her head and said "I trusted him so much and you know we've been together for two whole years." She drank from the glass of wine.

"Maybe you should stop drinking." He suggested.

She shook her head "No. I need to drink tonight and get drunk and do something stupid." After she said that, she realized how close Syaoran was. They had never even hugged before this day. Her cheeks turned bright red and for a moment she was cautious and shy.

Syoaran watched her sympathetically.

"I am a good woman, I do everything he asks of me and you know what, he has not even tried to help with the wedding arrangements." she started to speak louder. She stood up, took off her beige blazer and her maryjane 4 inch heels. "I don't deserve that...I don't" she said systematically and finished the wine "Oh shit, its finished." She tried to catch a drop of wine from the empty glass.

"Syaoran." A woman's' voice came from the French doors that lead to the balcony. Syaoran quickly stood up as though he had been caught doing something bad. It was Nami. She gave him a quizzical look as she approached them.

"I was looking for you." she said.

Syaoran walked up to her, looked at Sakura as she tried to pull herself together then looked at Nami. "Listen, I can't go out tonight. How about you catch a cab and we can do something tomorrow."

"Oh wow, you are such an asshole." She said to him folding her hands over her chest. Syaoran took the insult and said "My friend is going through a crisis, I'm not just going to leave her."

"Don't bother calling me." she said and walked away.

Syaoran turned around. Sakura was standing closer to the edge of the balcony staring afar. As she heard his footsteps draw closer to her, she said "That was really an asshole thing to do." She commented "All you men are the same, just vultures and cheaters..."

"I've never cheated..." Syaoran interrupted her.

She looked at him unconvinced.

"And Ryo is an idiot for cheating you."

She turned around and he walked closer to her. He put his arms around her and muttered "I'm sorry." She cried for another minute before peeling herself away from him.

"I think I should go home."

"Ill drive you home." He told her.

She nodded agreeably. She didn't want to go back home to an empty apartment.

They strolled to the parking lot not exchanging any words. While there were in the elevator, there was a moment where Sakura looked at him, her emerald eyes no longer tearful. Despite the fact that that they had worked with each other for four years, they were not friends in the strictest sense. They hardly did anything together that was not somehow related to their jobs and the work environment. This was a huge leap for their friendship. She remembered how she could not get over how handsome he was the first time she met him. They argued quiet a lot and at the same time got on very well. She was always brutally honest with him as he was to her.

The elevator stopped at the ground floor. Standing outside was Eriol, a friend of Syaorans from the engineering department. He looked at the both of them then smirked at Syaoran.

"Where are you two going?" he asked sounding nosy.

"I'm just dropping her off." Syaoran said feeling like he had to defend himself.

Sakura shot Eriol a smile and walked past him towards Syaoran car.

"Its not what you think." Syaoran said in a high whisper.

"Someone's finally getting lucky. Have you told her you love her." he said.

"Shut up and I don't...I...just shut up" Syaoran said to Eriol and walked past him.

"Well, you two kids be safe okay." he said commending Syaoran with a wink. "The accountants are gonna get it on." he said.

Syaoran wanted to take off his shoe and throw it in Eriols' face. "Dumb ass." he muttered.

Syaoran sighed. He found Sakura leaning against his car. She looked tragic staring back at him. He could feel his heart beating in his throat. She was beautiful in every way. The moment took his breath away. He took out his car keys, unlocked the car and opened the door for her.

"Thanks." She said.

As he started the engine she muttered "You know where I live right."

"Yeah, remember that week where your car broke down and I gave you a lift home 3 times."

"Oh, yeah." She said in a low tone.

"You're going to be alright Sakura. You are strong." Despite saying this, no one had ever broken his heart. He had never been with a woman he felt madly and passionately about. The women that often came his way were obnoxious and shallow. Perhaps that was why he was so drawn to Sakura from the day her met her. She was outside his social circle. Very humble, clumsy, different and beautiful. He was not the only man who noticed her in the office; Syaoran was convinced they all liked her secretly. Since he met her however, she was someone's girlfriend and then fiancé. Nonetheless, even if she was single, he didn't think he would have had the guts to ask her out anyway.

As they drove out of the office estate, he could not help but think of his previous interaction with Eriol. Suddenly, he was thinking about sex. He tried to shake it out of him head. He thought about how it would be like to stop his car someone and just do it right there in the front seat. It was wrong, why was he even thinking about it. He started to feel aroused. His face turned red and he looked over at Sakura's breasts in swift motion. He took a deep breath. What Sakura needed was a gentleman and not some horny pervert. He told himself.

"What was Eriol saying?" She asked him.

"Nothing really." He chuckled "He is an idiot."

They arrived at her place. She lived in an apartment in a quiet part of town. They walked her up to her door.

"Thank you." She said clenching the blazer she was holding. "You are really nice."

He smiled at her.

"Do you wanna come upstairs...for tea or wine?" She sounded confused "I just don't wanna be alone right now."

"Sure." He replied immediately cautious of how desperate he sounded.

As she struggled to find her keys in her bag he wondered what was going through her mind. She was not easy to read. She smiled slightly upon finding them.

"My place is a total mess." She said sounding sober.

She opened the door and he trailed behind her, easing the door closed behind him. They stood there for a moment, feeling awkward with each other. It was a big studio apartment with light wooden floors, a big kitchen, huge windows and cream colored walls. Everything was in one room except the bedroom which she assumed was up the spiral staircase in one corner of the room. It really suited her and her personality.

She walked over to the kitchen counter, took out a bottle of red wine and wine glasses while she spoke about her home and how she inherited it from her grandmother. She handed him a full glass "Make yourself feel at home." He said slowly before taking off his jacket.

"Its a really nice place." He said.

She raised her shoulders "Its alright. The view sucks."

"Are you feeling better though?" He asked her. He was surprised at her sudden change of mood.

"I don't know...no"

She sat next to him and thought for a moment "I feel like I should have seen it coming. He is always gone, I'm always alone here." She ran her fingers through her short auburn hair. "At the same time I don't believe it. I keep wondering who this woman is and what's so special about her and what I did wrong. Maybe it's the way I dress or my boobs are not big enough."

"Your boobs are fine..." he let it slip.

She put an arm around him "Thanks. You are a great friend and Im glad you're here. Drinking with me. Id be crying in bed right now." Sakura was not sure what had come over her. She felt heavily attracted to Syaoran. She loved the feel of every muscle of his body as he snaked his arms around her.

"Maybe I should leave..." Syaoran said but Sakura was not listening. She thought of every sexual thought she ever had of Syaoran. She wondered how it was like to kiss him and to have him on top of her...would be be too heavy? She noticed he had a few hairs on his chest peeking out of his shirt. Her heart sank and she knew she was being overcome with arousal. She had always told herself that even though she was engaged, it was only natural to be physically attracted to him. His hair was unruly, his eyes were like dark chocolate and he carried himself in such a masculine confident but not cocky kind of way.

"Sakura.." he interrupted her train of thought.

She leaned into his face and planted a kiss on his lips. It took him aback. He closed his eyes as he accepted it. The smell of her perfume immediately seemed to overpower him with sensuous desire.

Suddenly, she pulled away.

"Sorry." She blushed. She felt disorientated but she could not deny how much she enjoyed kissing him.

Syaoran looked down and smiled to himself "I don't mind." He felt hot and nervous.

Sakura slapped his chest playfully "You and I can never happen. We work together and I don't think I wanna date anyone in a while. Office romance is never a good idea."

He was silent for a moment, out of fear of getting rejected if he tries, he said "Yeah...good point."

"And like you and I are good friends...relationships complicate things." She nervously laughed.

"Alright you made your point." Syaoran sighed sounding bored.

She smiled blushing "I'm not making fun of you. I just laugh some times when I'm nervous." she collapsed back on the chair.

"Fine. Let's change the subject. Pretend that didn't happen."

She sat up and gobbled down her the glass of wine.

"I'm thinking of moving to Takada Corp. They are such a proactive company. They are so many opportunities there, apply with me. 10 percent pay raise..."he said.

"Do you really wanna talk about work?" She asked him, the alcohol slowly kicking in again.

"No...It's just that I feel like you are trying to seduce me and I think you are drunk and I have way too much respect for you..."

His words trailed off when she kissed him once more. "I just had to do in again." she whispered into his lips.

Suddenly they were making out intensely. She climbed up on top of him her legs on both sides of his hips. Her hands snaked around his neck. He found his hands moving up her shirt slowly as though asking for approval. He gripped her skin as though desperate to feel as much of her body in a short space of time. He kissed her neck then gently squeezed her perky but. Sakura loved it. She could feel weakness in her knees. It was dirty, a little bit rough, a little bit romantic and sensual.

"Let's go upstairs." She whispered in his ear.

She came off on top of him and smiled before heading up the stair case. Syaoran heaved a sigh and muttered "Oh my gosh. I know I should go home...but..." he got up and followed her.

He followed her upstairs to find her lying on her back on the bed with her trousers now off. She was just wearing her shirt and a pair of light yellow cotton panties with think lace along the edges. He took off his shirt and trousers and climbed up on top her.

"You are so sexy." she told him. "And you kiss so beautifully."

Syaoran kissed her lips gently. She pulled away and said "I've always found you attractive, always and I've fantasied about this moment." Her audacity made him want to laugh. She was just so drunk; he had never seen her like that.

He smirked now kissing her earlobe and then down her neck "This won't make things awkward between us right. And I'm not really cheating because as far as I'm concerned I'm a single gal"

She felt him stiffen against her inner thigh. She gasped "Is that your?"

Syaoran nodded and Sakura blushed "wow."

Syaoran stopped for a moment and looked into her eyes "You are acting like virgin."

"I'm not." She said defensively. "I've just only slept with one person so..."

He looked into her eyes meaningfully and said "We don't have to do this."

"I want to."

She raised her head to kiss him. Syaoran pulled away. He moved away from her, got off the bed and started putting on his trousers. Sakura was so surprised it took her a minute to say something.

"Where are you going?"

He took a deep breathe "Home."

"Oh, so that's how it is. You turn this engine on and then leave."

Syaoran chuckled audibly at the expression and then he said "You are a drunk mess." he said "I've only had one glass of wine and I'm not going to be one of those guys. I'm not going to take advantage of you."

He started buttoning his shirt and Sakura sat at the edge of the bed "I want to be taken advantage of. I'm asking you to have sex with me." she sounded desperate and it was not a good look.

"You are hurt. Someone has broken your heart. You want revenge. You think you will feel better once you've slept with me but trust me, you won't. And then you and I will have to see each other every day at work and you probably won't talk to me the way you used to anymore."

Sakura was quiet.

He walked over to her. She stood up. He pulled her head into his shoulder and ran his hand through her soft, short auburn hair "Call me if you need anything." he released her and started his way out.

Sakura stood there feeling stupid. Tears streamed down her face and now she could feel the cold winter air on her body. She shivered. She could hear his feet gently hit the floor as he walked. Suddenly, she thought, she didn't want him to leave. She did not want to be alone. She rushed down the staircase and caught him as he was about to close the door.

"Please...don't leave." she begged him out of pure desperation. "Stay with me."

He turned around and looked at her. She walked towards him tears trickling down her fair features. "We don't have to do anything. We don't need to have sex. Just. Stay with me."

He started to walk towards her and they met each other halfway and hugged. His eyes were full of sadness as were hers.

That night, nothing really did happen. He heated some pizza for her in the microwave, encouraged her to drink a lot of water so that she is not hangover tomorrow. They crawled into her bed. He was in his boxers and she wore a vintage t-shirt on top of her panties. They shared a few more kisses aware of the boundaries this time. They spooned, each not saying a word until she drifted into a peaceful sleep.

That night Syaoran could not sleep. He wondered about Sakura's fiancé. He had never seen the guy...two years working with Sakura and not once did he ever come to pick her up or attended any of the office socials. He found himself extremely worried about her while realizing that he hardly knew her. Their relationship never extended past the office building and he worried that this was the closest he will ever be with her. He worried that he will never get to kiss her or hold her the way he did that night. He worried that once the sun rays beam through the shutters this big adventure would be over. He watched her as she slept. She looked peaceful and beautiful.

He buried his chin in the river of her neck. She moved her head as though signaling him to stop that. Slowly, he let her go. He quietly got off the bed...picked his clothes up from the floor and left.

...

To be continued.


	2. the morning after

**Always on my mind**

**Chapter 2**

Sakura felt like she had been hit on the head with a baseball bat the night before. She's never been hit on the head with a baseball bat but she assumed that was how it must feel like. She tightly closed her eyes and clenched her teeth before taking a deep breath to recall the events of the previous night. She shifted her body slow against the cotton sheets, stretched her hands out and started to yawn when her hand hit someone..someones face. She gasped. Turned her head and raised her eyebrows dramatically. As she sat up.

"Ow!" Syaoran exclaimed touching his nose. He was confused, was Sakura trying to punch him in his sleep? What did he do to set her off so early in the morning.

He opened his eyes to find her staring at him in awe. Her mouth slightly open, her eyebrows raised. She looked cute, it made him smile. "Good morning to you too Kinomoto."

Sakura swallowed hard "Did we?"

"Make out and took each others clothes off...yes.."

Sakura took a deep breath finally looking away from him "and...um...dirty stuff." She was blushing all the way up to her ears.

He chuckled "No, we didn't have sex."

She exhaled a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness" She raised her hand up to touch her chest which she suddenly realized was bare, other than the light yellow bra. She raised the sheets up blushing and she could feel the sweat building up her forehead.

He lay back and looked at the ceiling, uncertain if he should leave or stay. He wanted her to tell him straight up if she wanted him to go.

"I probably shouldn't have tried to seduce you." She said in a more light tone.

"Ah, don't worry about it. Its only the most single embarrassing thing anyone has ever done in front of me and besides I'm can't say I'm not flattered." He gave her a cheeky smirk.

Sakura smirked back "Well...it could have been anyone."

"Oh really." Syaoran was enjoying this. They were bickering like they always did in the work place. Eriol called it flirting...perhaps it was. "So, it could have been John in the Sales department."

Sakura nodded "Ah yes, John. The man with the tupae and B.O...he is just sexy isn't he? All those coffee stains on his shirt make me wanna just jump his bones."

Syaoran laughed hard " 'Jump his bones Sakura. What has gotten into you."

He slowly let the his laugh die down and found she was looking into his eyes. He leaned his face into hers to kiss her. He pressed his lips gently against hers. Then slowly backed away to look into her beautiful green eyes. "It could have been anyone...but it wasn't. You choose me. From the moment you decided I can give you a ride home. You already made it up in your mind that you want to sleep with me."

Sakura was speechless. She blinked then shook her head contemplating if she should just kiss him and let this be their thing or rather respect the boundaries of their friendship though currently blurred.

Suddenly her cellphone rang. She quickly grab it from the bedside table. She was kind of pleased it rang, the moment was becoming too intense for her liking.

"Hello." She answered quickly in a groggily voice.

As she spoke her facial expression changed dramatically. He turned his head away and looked around her room. He did not want to seem nosy. He crocked his head to the side and on the other side of the wall there was a picture of her and her fiance. His jaw dropped. He knew who exactly Sakura's Fiance was. Their boss.

The moment she finished talking on the phone they looked at each other. Syaorans face was pale and Sakura looked like she was about to cry.

"Mr. Tsukishiro is your fiance?" Syaoran didnt blink "How? You said his name is Ryu right?"

Sakura simply nodded as tears threatened her eyes "His full name is Ryu Kaimya I call him Ryu as a nickname. He did'nt want the office knowing about us and you've got to keep quiet. He is the boss and Im his sub-ordinate. You know how bad that looks. Before working at our firm I was unemployed for over a year. He hired me...I think cause he liked me. Then we started dating."

Syaoran could not believe it. He imagined Sakuras fiance would be some scumbag, rather, he was a well accomplished 28 year old man whom everybody liked. He tried to recall in his head if the signs were there.

"Anyway, there is bigger news than that. My friend Tomoyo called me, she said she made a mistake. The man she saw last night with another woman was not my fiance."

Syaorans jaw dropped. He was speechless.

Tears ran down Sakura's face "So, I cheated on my fiance." Syaoran put his arms around her "It doesnt count as cheating...besides...we did not sleep together. You were miss-informed"

Sakura sobbed for about a minute. Syaoran did not know what to do. This was a disaster. Surely once Ryu found out, he was going to loose his job. Eriol saw him drive Sakura home the other night. Surely he told someone he saw the two of them leave together. Once the office gossip starts to spread, it will eventually reach Ryu...who will probably fire him. All these thoughts ran through his mind.

Sakura released herself from him "Perhaps it would be best if..."

"I leave..." he said cutting off her statement.

Sakura shook her head "No...its just."

He released her and as he got out of bed he said "No, its better if I do. What if he comes in and Im here..." Syaoran tried not to be hurt. Sakura was entitled to live a private life, but why did it have to be Ryu? Why didn't he cheat on her like they thought he did last night? Any chance he had with her seemed unimaginable. He picked up his clothes from the floor and put them on. He could hear her sniffling as she cried.

"Sakura. I wont tell anyone." he promised her. "I swear."

"I just feel so bad." she said. And she did, she felt terrible. She felt terrible for cheating on her boyfriend, but even worse, she felt terrible because she enjoyed being with Syaoran. She enjoyed kissing him and lying next to him. She hated herself for being attracted to him and for secretly wishing he wont leave. She wanted to get out of bed, hug him and ask him to stay. She couldn't. She had already committed herself to Ryu, a man she had loved and was almost sure she was ready to marry.

Syaoran managed to find all his clothes. "Okay, Im going...home." he felt awkward saying that.

She got out of bed "I'll walk you to the door." she said in a sad tone. She walked over to the chest drawer in her bra and underwear and pulled out a big t-shirt Syaoran assumed belong to Ryu. That aching feeling is his heart grew bigger.

He walked ahead of her, heading down the spiral staircase.

When the reached the door, he opened it then turned to look at her.

"I hope you dont think Im some kind of slut or gold digger." she said in a shy innocent tone.

He shook his head "No."

"What are you thinking." her face was bright red.

He took a deep breath "To be honest..Im kind of...not okay."

"You're not? Is it because you found out that my fiance is our boss."

"Not that..." he took another deep breath "maybe just a little bit. I had a good time last night. Sure you were drunk and out of control but it was fun."

Sakura blushed more.

He moved close to her, snaked his arms around her waist and pulled her into his arms before passionately kissing her. She resisted at first before kissing him back for a brief moment before pushing him away.

"Syoaran...you just cant"

"I know." He smirked as he released her "Ill see you at work in January. Have a great Christmas"

He walked out of the door and closed it behind him dramatically. Sakura stood there stunned. She touched her lips with the tips of her fingers. Her heart beat like as if she was about to jump off a building. He told himself he was going to leave Sakura alone from then on. From then on, he will treat their relationship as purely professional. It was going to be hard.

...

Syaoran walked into the elevator and waited for the door to closed before he allowed himself to show complete and utter despair. He was in love with Sakura and now he was more certain about it than he ever was. He started to wonder if he would really ever see her again. What if she decides to quit and never talk to him again. That would devastate him...almost as much as having to work along side her everyday knowing he could never have her. That she loving, kissing and sleeping with the boss every single night. Perhaps he should have told her he loved her without expecting a mutual feeling. Perhaps he should quit his job and move away, take up a new identity and find a woman almost like Sakura to rock his world. He could not. He could not leave this job. He still had to pay off his college loan and he liked where he worked and the people there.

...

Christmas went by quickly. Sakura spent most of it thinking about Syaoran and their night together. She could not shake it out of her mind no matter how hard she tried. Ryu was being extremely nice. He turned off his phone for four straight days which was unusual. It was as though he knew something was not right and he was trying to mend it. They spent Christmas day with her father, brother Toya and his girlfriend. There was a moment somewhere where she was genuinely happy, guilt free and she did not think of Syaoran. The very next morning, he was on her mind once more.

"Whats wrong with you?" Ryu asked her as they washed the dishes on boxing day after lunch with her family.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. You have this sad look on your face. Did something happen?|

Her heart beat fast "Uh...no...you know..um just the end of the year syndrome."

"Whats that?"

Sakura placed the dishcloth on the counter "Its when one feels a sense of worry cause they don't feel like they met their goals in the current year and now its too late."

He smiled "Oh, right." He walked up to her and hugged her "You've accomplished a lot darling. I mean we're getting married next year. Whats not to look forward to? Then we are going to have babies and vacations. And you can quit your job."

He kissed her neck and Sakura lightly smiled "Yeah. You're right." Why did she suddenly have doubts about the ordeal. For the longest time she thought being married to Ryu was what she wanted, now she did not know.

Monday Morning

Syoaran sat impatiently by his desk playing with a clutch pen. Over a week now since he saw Sakura. He was nervous. Now they were back to this, working alongside each other everyday. He would have no choice but to look at her. She sat across him. He tried to plot how he will act or what he will say around her. He wondered if silence was a better option...no, their colleagues would know something was up. Every time the door opened, his heart would beat and he would raise his head to see who it was. He managed not to call or text her, so to some extent he was doing fine.

9:00 passed, still no sign of Sakura. He was not going to give up waiting for her. He wanted to see her, if he had to be honest with himself. He heard that Ryu was in his office and they were to have a meeting at 10:00. Syaoran could not work, he was not only wondering where Sakura is but he was scared shitless to see Ryu his boss. What if he knew? There was no doubt in his mind Ryu would fire him. He imagined going back to his family home and begging his father for money. He hated the thought of that. He needed this job though. He needed to pay his college loan and his family was not a financial option.

10:00 he moved into the conference room. Everyone was serious that day, it was clear they were not quiet ready to get back to work. He could see Eriol from the corner of his eye laughing. A surge of panic ran through his body. Eriol saw him leave with Sakura...what if Eriol starts spreading office gossip. As they waited for their boss Ryu Syaoran settled next to Eriol.

"So where is your partner is crime?" Eriol asked him quickly.

Syaoran raised an eyebrow "I don't know." he answered blankly.

"You two dating."

Syaoran faked a laugh "No. She's engaged to some guy and besides we are just friends."

"So...at the christmas party?"

Syaoran shook his head "No. I was just giving her a lift home. Gave her a lift and then went back home."

Eriol smiled as though he did not believe him. Syaoran sat back in his chair.

Finally Sakura walked in and sat as far as she could from him. The moment he saw her, he automatically sat up then turned his face away. She saw him, but her eyes did not linger on him. She wore a khaki pencil skirt, a light blue shirt with a navy blue cardigan. Once in her seat she pretended to be busy writing notes when she was really scribbling none-sense.

Ryu walked in and the meeting progressed. He spoke about their performance last year and their goals for the new year. However, Syaoran could not focus. Seeing Sakura made him think of their night together. He then thought of Eriol...why does he choose to keep her a secret.

Finally the meeting ended and Sakura left the room as quickly as she got in.

They were bound to meet eventually and they did. As Sakura headed to her cubicle while she was texting she bumped into him. He looked down at her and she looked into his eyes then turned away.

"Hi." he said in a deep hoarse tone.

Sakura replied "Hi." in a soft shaky voice.

They stared intensely into each others eyes. "You look nice." he said.

"You can't just say that." she said in a whisper.

He looked around to see if they were being watched "I know I just cant say it...I don't know what I was thinking."

"Can we talk later..after work?"

Syaoran nodded "sure."

...

To be continued. Reviews please :)


	3. the way things should be

**Always on My mind**

**Chapter 3 **

They stared at each other momentarily before Sakura felt coy and instinctively turned away. She had not thought this through. She started to forget exactly why she had ask him that they meet up. The situation spoke for itself, their one night together was just that, one night together...as a result of a mistake.

"So, what do you want to talk to me about?" Syaoran asked, his voice soft.

"Um yeah, about the night...after the Christmas party."

Syaoran raised an eyebrow and smirked as though he was anticipating an interesting conversation.

"I just think that now that you know who my fiance is...we should never speak of that night again to each other or to anyone."

Syaoran nodded as though not convinced.

"Because it would not have happened if it was not for my friend misinforming me and I was drunk." She continued. She was starting to feel awkward and stupid as he watched her with his intense eyes. This might not have been a good idea and for some reason she felt as though she was giving in into him, despite the fact that he was just standing there nodding and saying nothing.

"Do you have a lift back home?" He asked her suddenly.

Sakura thought for a moment "I forgot to ask my fiance if he can get me." she said putting emphasis on the word 'fiance' which made Syaoran chuckle. Sakura reached out for her cellphone and called Ryu. She turned away from Syaoran. The phone kept ringing and going to voice mail. She finally gave in and looked st Syaoran.

"He must be busy."

"I don't mind taking you home." Syaoran said carefully.

"Ill catch the train." Sakura sounded defensive.

Syaoran sighed "Why are you so worked up about this. I can be an adult. I can handle myself. I get it...that night together meant nothing to you. I'm just being a friend here offering a lift."

Sakura thought for a moment "Yeah...okay..."

He smiled at her.

They grabbed their coats and headed to the elevator where there was a long awkward silence as it went down. Sakura could not help feel like she was bad for being around him. She imagined Ryu would not have it if he found out that his fiance was hanging with a very handsome colleague who might or might not want to sleep with her.

When the elevator reached the ground floor Syaoran commented "So is this how things are going to be between us from now on?"

Sakura shrugged "What do you mean."

"I mean weird and awkward. So what I saw you in your underwear and had my tongue down your throat." he said lightly. He did feel stupid for saying that. It was his weird way for trying to ease the tension, by addressing the elephant in the room..or in this case, in the elevator.

Sakura did not know what to say to that so she kept quiet.

They walked towards his car and he asked "When will you get a new bicycle." He remembered that her previous bike was hit by a careless driver a week before they left for their holidays.

"In spring." She said "I would not be using it anyway with all the frost on the ground." She pointed out. "I'm thinking its high time I get a car anyway."

"What are you looking into?"

She smiled "A vintage yellow beetle."

He smiled at her for a moment and said "Why am I not surprised."

They got into his car, when he turned on the engine, his favorite radio station came on. Talk radio. Sakura sighed then shook her head, this went noticed.

"What?" he said while focusing on reversing the vehicle.

"Why is it always talk radio in your car." she asked fastening her seat belt.

"Because it is interesting and informative."

Sakura reached her hand out to change it.

"Kinomoto, don't even think about it." he warned her lightheartedly.

"I know its your car but you really need someone to introduce you to good music."

"And I reckon by someone you mean you."

Sakura nodded "I've got some pretty awesome CDs back home."

"Wow, who still listens to CDs and since when is Katy Perry good music." he teased her.

Sakura hit his shoulder playfully "I listen to CDs and its not only Katy Perry." Sakura said defensively. "I refuse to download music."

They spoke like this for the next 20 minutes. There was some traffic and it seemed as though everything was back to normal. Being herself came easily with Syaoran. Besides the fact that he was usually the strong silent type among their peers, he was relaxed and himself around her too.

Suddenly as they reached her apartment she said "You can just drop me off here and not so close to the apartment, I don't want Ryu to see us. He might be in."

"Right." Syaoran said upset at the fact that she reminded him of . He parked the car on a parking spot on the side of the road. "So when is the wedding?" he asked her while imagining himself barging into the church service and confessing his feeling to Sakura, begging her not to marry Ryu.

"It will be in spring."

Syaoran bit his lower lip "Well that's just a few months away."

She nodded now wanting the topic to be dropped.

"So when will you two love birds tell the rest of the office about your whirlwind romance." His tone was full of disdain and mockery.

Sakura raised her shoulders. "So what are you doing tonight?"

Syaoran kept his eyes from her, he seemed distant for a moment before he smiled and looked at her "Ill see what this one girl is up to."

Sakura blushed.

"Okay. Thanks. Enjoy your night." Sakura said quickly getting out of his car. She felt upset.

"Yeah, you too." He felt upset.

As she walked away she promised herself she would not look back. Was this jealousy she was feeling at the prospect that Syaoran might be making love to some girl tonight. There was a pang in her heart and she felt tears threaten her eyes. She increased her pace and rationed her breathing.

She reached her apartment and unlocked the door. Ryu was by the couch with his laptop on his lap looking furiously at the monitor.

"You're here." Sakura said despite the fact that she knew there was a possibility he would be there. He did not look at her though, he was caught up in his work. She took off her jacket and snuck behind him. In an attempt to make things more interesting. She snaked her arms around his neck. Ryu jerked in surprise.

"Sakura!" he exclaimed as he tried to escape her grip in an obvious fashion. "You startled me." He said. "Sorry, I need to be here. They are fumigating my house. Termites."

"I did not know you had termites." Sakura said unwrapping her scarf from her neck.

He went back to his laptop "Yeah."

Sakura moved away from him and sauntered to the kitchen.

"How was your day? I tried calling you to come get me from work but it went straight to voice-mail. "

"Um, I was busy so decided not to answer." He told her quickly.

This hit Sakura hard. She felt very unimportant.

"And your day, how was it?"

He was quiet for a minute before he replied "Babe, I have so much work to do. Do you mind if we just chat some other time."

Sakura nodded. This means nothing. He is just busy and stressed; it was no excuse for her mind to be be wandering about how it would be like if Syaoran was there. It was not a sign that their relationship was heading towards doomsville. She grabbed a box of microwave lasagna from the freezer and awkwardly waited for it to heat up. She figured that if she ate in her room, Ryu would not even notice or miss her...and she was right.

As she sat on her bed her thoughts once again wandered to Syaoran. She thought of their night together. The way he passionately kissed her and held her. She could feel goosebumps all over her body and her heartbeat was unstable. An hour after failing to think of anything else, she reached for her hand bag on the floor, took out her phone and called him.

The phone rang for awhile and her mind was telling her that this was stupid and she was going to humiliate herself. The phone rang three more times before he picked up.

"Sakura." he said.

"Hi. Did I by any chance forget my phone in your car?"

"Um...aren't you using your phone right now?"

Sakura physically hit her head "I mean purse wallet. It is navy blue with white stripes." She said trying to sound certain of herself.

"I don't think so." He replied "But I will check for you."

"Thanks. I have been stressing about not having it with me since I walked through the door. So what are you doing. Did whats-her-name get back to you."

Syaoran chuckled amused in silence on the other side. "Um no...changed my mind. I'm just gonna watch the news, eat pizza and call it a night."

"Oh...okay. Ive got to go now. Bye."

"Yeah, bye."

Sakura hung up and smiled. At least she can rest assured knowing some woman was not with Syaoran doing the unmentionable.

"Who were you talking to?" Ryu startled her.

"A friend from work." She replied quickly.

Ryu sat on the other side of the bed "No one ever tells you how difficult it is to be a CEO." he said sounding frustrated "I just wanna go out and get a drink."

Sakura looked at him "Do you need a hug?"

He raised his shoulders "I need whiskey Babe." he started his way out of the room "I'm gonna chill at the bar a few blocks from here. Is it fine if I crash here when I get back?"

Sakura nodded "Yeah, of course."

As she spoke, he was already out of the room. Ryu could be so cold sometimes. It made her want to cry and for the first time she was not sure about their relationship. Perhaps Syaoran ruined it all or perhaps she was finally giving herself time to evaluate her relationship.

...

That night she could not sleep. She was afraid she had made a mistake saying yes to marrying Ryu. That morning, Ryu slept on the couch. Sakura found him looking miserable with his eyes tightly shut. She decided to prepare breakfast for him and block out her thoughts from yesterday. He awoke and looked up at her.

"Hi."

He said with his hand on his head.

"Good morning you." Sakura said in cheerily voice.

"I don't think I'm gonna go to work. I feel sick."

Sakura walked to him "I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do."

"Its okay. I really just want to be alone." he told her "I'm just going to go home."

Sakura clenched her fingers into a fist "Why do you shut me out."

"I'm not shutting you out." he said defensively.

"Things have been tough lately. I feel like I'm suffocating. I don't want to run this company anymore."

"Then why don't you just resign."

"As if its that easy...sometimes Sakura, I mean really, you aren't even making an effort to try to understand."

Sakura walked up to him and sat next to him "But I am, this is me making an effort. I might not have the answers but..."

"You are naive Sakura, very naive and stupid. That is why we are even together. You don't know what you want from life and fail to understand people who know themselves and what they want." he said to her. "It really makes me angry sometimes."

Sakura looked at him confused "I think you just want to be mad at me."

Ryu shook his head "That's not it." he raised his voice.

"I'm going to work. Call me when you start thinking rationally again. I'm trying to make us work and I know you are going through things I have no idea about."

Sakura quickly ran to her room slamming the door. She changed and changed into casual clothes. It was not proper for work but she thought she would just call in sick.

When she came back downstairs, Eriol was gone. She left the apartment and went to the bus stop. She knew where she was going. It was a reckless move but nonetheless...she went ahead.

It took thirty minutes before she found herself standing at his door step. It took her a moment to sum up the courage to knock on the door. As the door opened, she could feel her heart in her throat.

A woman was standing there in a t-shirt and boxers rolled up to fit her thin frame. She was Nami, the beautiful model Sakura met at the Christmas party. The woman Syaoran had brought with him as a date then eventually cast away for a night with her.

She looked at Sakura and smirked "Hi, can I help you?"

Sakura felt taken aback. She took a step back "Is this Syaoran's place?"

"Yes." she replied casually.

"Oh, I have got to go." She said quickly walking away and nearly tripping on the first step before reaching the pathway. She felt ultimately hurt. She had seen Syaoran date many women over the years and she did not suspect that one day it would wound her like this. She was finally accepting that she possibly had feelings for him and now this.

As she walked she heard someone call her name. She looked across her shoulder to find Syaoran walking towards her in his sleeping clothes...green cotton tracksuit pants and a t-shirt. He stopped walking when he was in close range of her.

"Hi." He said to her looking uncertain "Were you looking for me?"

Sakura blushed as a gust of wind blew the bangs of her hair "I just..." she was lost for words.

He looked at her seriously. As though her words would either make or break him. He was embarrassed and suspected Sakura saw Nami and assumed right. He had allowed her into his home which ultimately let to something he had not planned or nonetheless thinking about.

"I just wanted to ask you for a lift to work?" She said not looking into his eyes.

"I see." He said. He wanted to explain himself, hold her hand and tell her not to go.

She turned to look at him quickly. "I'll see you at work"

...

To be continued


	4. Humiliation

**Always on my mind**

**A/N: Hi, I am back to writing this story. Not sure why I stopped. You might want to read the previous chapter to recap. I made a small change in the last chapter right at the end too. Thanks for everyone who has been reviewing. It really encouraged me to continue. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own CCS**

**Chapter 4**

**Humiliation**

Utter humiliation. Sakura thought. How could Syaoran acted so oblivious when it was obvious why she was there. She buried her head in the pillow on the brink of tears. She screamed into the pillow. The moment repeated itself in her mind. Nami...in Syaoran's boxer. In Syaorans house. She was ready to cheat on her fiance over a silly fight. Where was her integrity.

She looked up at her closet. She had to get up and go to work. She would be late but she could not just take leave. It was silly for her to even consider it. She would have to see him again. She would act normal around him and laugh about that morning.

...

Syaoran returned to his apartment. He walked slowly, he did not desire Nami's company and he had to think about Sakura and the events of the morning. When he finally returned, as he opened the door Nami was sitting on the kitchen counter with a bowl of cereal while looking at her iphone.

"So, when are you planning on going home?" He asked her closing the door.

She laughed "You are so mean to me sometimes."

"And yet you keep coming back." He said.

"Are you mad?" She asked placing the bowl on the counter.

He said nothing. Why did she have to show up on his doorstep in the middle of the night claiming she had nowhere else to go. He was sympathetic and understanding. He gave her the one spare room and went to sleep in his own bed. She crawled into his sheets when he was asleep. She kissed him and he woke up. She whispered dirty things in his ear and climbed on top of him. He was not able to resist her. It was against his better judgment. He thought of Sakura, the woman he desired. Why could it not have been Sakura rubbing his chest and kissing his mouth. Sakura was with someone else...despite their obvious flirting. She was not his and would probably never be his.

"So who was that girl?" Nami asked.

"No one." Syaoran walked into the kitchen to prepare coffee.

"She is not no one." Nami said.

"She is that girl from your office." Nami said confident "You like her."

Syaoran said nothing.

Nami jumped off the counter.

"You love her."

Syaoran ignored her.

"She is not even that pretty you know. Like I know tons of girls who are prettier than her."

Syaoran sighed and took a deep breath "Well, I think she is beautiful."

Nami made a gagging sound "You so whipped. Whatever happened to the Syaoran I knew?"

Syaoran drank coffee and watched Nami speak. She was animated as she spoke. He had never met someone so vain.

"You used to be fun. I mean today you would have skipped work, we would have gone shopping, drinking." She said clearly trying to convince him that was the best option for him.

"I think we should not see each other anymore."

Nami rolled her eyes, she was frustrated now "What makes her so special."

Syaoran smiled for a moment thinking about her "Everything. The was she tangles the bangs of her hair when she is busy reading a book. She is kind to everyone, some think she is a pushover but she is just kind. The way she covers her mouth when she is laughing too hard." He found himself in a daze.

Nami shook her head "Fine. I'm gone. Next time you want a booty call, don't call me."

"I did not call you. You just rocked up on my doorstep."

She gave him a long angry look before dramatically exiting the room to get her things.

...

Syaoran sat in the parking lot for 15 minutes before he walked through the office door. He was thinking strategically about his next move. He practiced what to say to her. He was not sure if he would explain himself. What was the point, he was as guilty as sin.

He took a deep breath and walked past Sakura's cubicle. She was sitting there focusing on the computer screen. She wore a white cotton shirt and light gray skirt. Her hair was a neat but. She seemed perfect in every way. He did not want to ruin this moment but it would be more awkward if he didn't greet her at all.

"Hi Kinomoto." He said casually.

She looked up at him. Her bright green eyes glaring at him and she smiled "Hey."

"Are you looking at the yearly budget?"

She looked at the computer screen then back at him. "Oh yes."

He nodded.

"It's pretty fair."

"Yeah." He said casually.

"I will see you at the meeting." He said walking away.

"Syaoran." Sakura said.

He stopped walking and turned around "Yes Sakura."

"Um this morning...I was just confused about a few things. But its clear now." She said clearly and quickly.

"What's clear."

Sakura raised her shoulders "Just everything." she put it simply. What was clear to Sakura was that she was marrying Ryu. Syaoran was always going to be a player, and she was not going to jeopardize a life with a respectable man like Ryu for him. Her family adored Ryu and despite his recent breakdown, he was a good man.

Syaoran nodded and walked off. He was certain that he had done something wrong and this was possibly the end of what ever would have been between him and Sakura.

At the meeting that day, he tried not to allow himself to let his gaze linger on her. She was taking notes while her husband CEO spoke. Syaoran glared at Ryu, he was beginning to resent this man. He was jealous of him for the most part. Syaoran hated his curly hair, the shape of his eyebrows...he looked like he was born angry. Even when he told jokes it didn't seem genuine. He started to imagine him and Sakura in bed and wondered if they genuinely enjoyed each other.

He quickly shook off the thought.

"So this weekend is trip to Kyoto for the finance department. Prepare for team building exercises and guest speakers from all over the globe."

As he spoke Syaoran blacked out again...this weekended was the trip. He had forgotten completely. Perhaps the universe was giving him a second chance with Sakura.

"I will also be attending." Ryu said sternly "Any questions?"

Syaoran exhaled noisly grasping the attention of everyone.

"Mr. Li, do you have any questions?"

Syaoran sat up and smiled "When will we get the itenary?" Syaoran was proud of his ability to think on his feet. Sakura had clearly noticed what he just did.

"Oh yes, of course."

After the meeting all the employees in the finance department were in the break room for lunch. Primarily discussing the trip. Apparently, according to on Koji who worked across Syaoran, the company was going to provide everyone their own hotel suite, room service and free porn.

Syaoran settled at a corner listening attentively, hardly contributing to the conversation while Sakura on the other hand was fully engaged. She gave everyone information about the different speakers. Everyone enjoyed her way of story telling, she made even the most boring topics interesting.

The topic shifted to Kyoto and everyone was telling jokes. Soon, the 5 people out of 8 people in the room were gone. Some returned to their desks while others went out for a smoke break.

It was now him, Sakura and a female colleague, Chiharu, whom Sakura was fond of.

"I better get back to work." Syaoran said now embarrassed at how long he spent there anyway. He was waiting for a moment alone with her.

As Syaoran walked away Chiharu laughed. Her eyes shifted back and forth as though she was looking around to make sure the coast was clear before she starts to gossip.

"Sakura, can I ask you something?" She said.

Sakura was taking a sip of an icy fruit-shake that gave her a brain freeze. She wrinkled her nose and clear her throat."Sure, what is it?"

"Don't be offended." Chiharu warned.

Sakura relaxed her shoulders "It takes a lot to offend me."

"Okay. There is a rumor going out that you and Syaoran...um how do I put it...you...did some things...sex things."

Sakura's jaw dropped and she blushed.

"Well." Chiharu asked "It's none of my business but I can't help but look at him when you two are together wondering."

"We...haven't um...done such a thing." Sakura said coyly.

Chiharu put her hand on her heart "Good. I know you are engaged and Syaoran is not a settling down kind of guy. Very handsome. Good for a night, but he is not boyfriend material."

Sakura wanted to say something. She wanted to defend him but only worried it would only feed the rumor.

She was quiet while Chiharu spoke. She despised Chiharu for speaking so of Syaoran while hardly knowing him. And then Sakura thought of Nami. Perhaps Chiharu's assumptions were correct.

...

The keep went by faster that they had imagined it would. Syaoran and Sakura shared brief friendly conversations. On Tuesday morning there was a bouquet of flowers on Sakura's table which became the topic of the office.

"He is romantic."

"When will we meet him?"

The women of the office asked. Syaoran just sat at his desk pretending not to notice.

He missed Sakura, despite the fact that she was a desk away, she was more distant than she had ever been.

...

On Saturday morning, the finance department gathered in front of the office. It was cold and everyone was shivering while they waited for the conference bus. Ryu and Sakura were talking to each other. Syaoran spoke to another colleague.

The big black bus finally drove into the parking lot after nearly an hour behind schedule. Ryu was like a school boy, he was fascinated by the bus and sat in front. While Syaoran settled in a seat in the back of the bus he saw Sakura walking in the bus isle looking for a place to seat. She looked confused then her face lit up when she saw an empty seat.

She hurried to it then the smile disappeared when she saw it was Syaoran. His arms folded across his chest. He looked relaxed.

"Hi." He said to her.

"Hi." She said looking to see if there was another seat.

She sat next to him. She sunk into the chair and took out her phone from her pocket. Thinking her rude, Syaoran closed his eyes as though he was about to fall asleep. Only 6 hours to their destination.

Sakura put away her phone after 30 minutes and Syaoran was awake. They didn't speak for another 30 minutes and pretended to be preoccupied in their personal thoughts.

"Its gonna be a long trip." Syaoran muttered to himself.

Sakura nodded "and Kyoto is much colder than Tokyo. I am not looking forward to that."

He looked at her. "Have you been there before?"

She nodded "Yes. My father used to take us there every winter to see family." she spoke formally.

They kept their conversations short and formal for the rest of the trip. She was worried about the rumor. What if it reached Ryu. Things were good again between them. The best thing to do would be to be honest with Ryu and she promised herself that she would...eventually.

...

That evening, everyone ate at the hotel restaurant before leaving for their hotel rooms. Syaoran spotted Sakura secretly entering Ryu's hotel room. She looked around to see if anyone was around. However, she did not see him behind a fake plant.

Sakura was two doors away and it killed him.

He could not sleep. He got out of bed and wandered in the hotel corridors. There was a balcony at the end of the corridor. He saw a figure standing at the balcony. She wore a while dress and looked upwards.

He knew it was Sakura. This might have been it. The moment he had been waiting for.

"Hi." He approached her slowly startling her. He imagined he came off with a stalker vibe.

She turned around.

"Hi."

"Are you going to leave now?" He asked her fearfully.

She turned around "No. I could not sleep." she said. "I can never sleep the first night in a new bed."

"Yeah, I could not sleep either." he said moving towards the other side of the balcony; creating a safe distance between them.

"It's beautiful here." She said. The stars sparkled in her eyes and she seemed more alluring under the moon light. His mind momentarily went to the image of her on the bed. In her yellow cotton panties and a shirt.

"Sakura, I'm sorry." He said finally.

"Sorry?" she was surprised. Sorry was confessing you did something wrong. In all honesty, he did nothing wrong because Sakura had a finance and he was single. She did not tell him she felt anything for him.

"You just changed when you saw Nami at my apartment." he told her "So, I am assuming you did not like what you saw. And I don't know why." He swallowed hard "I feel ashamed and I feel like a jerk."

She tucked her hair behind her ear.

"Well you need not feel that way." her demeanor changed and she seemed uncomfortable.

"That's how I feel."

She nodded.

"So why did you come to my apartment that morning. Its quiet a distance from your place."

"I just wanted to see you." Sakura confessed "I had been thinking about you so much and I was sad and thought you might take my sadness away."

"I think about you all the time Sakura..." Syaoran said walking towards her.

"But I know that was not smart of me. Syaoran, you are not a commitment guy and I wanna get married and have kids...and all that normal stuff. If anything happened between us, its just physical right. And then what?"

Syaoran took a deep breath.

"Is that what you really think about me?"

She nodded. "For as long as I've known you, you have a new woman every two weeks."

He sighed feeling a pain in his heart.

He wanted to say "That's because I have never been in love Sakura. All I do is think about you. I haven't been with anyone since our night together after the Christmas party. Nami was a mistake. I never wanted her. I don't want her...you are all I want."

Instead he walked away tucked his hands in his pocket and muttered "Okay, good night."

...

To be continued


	5. Chemistry

**Always on my mind**

**Chapter 5**

**Chemistry **

Sakura was raised to play it safe. She was taught to stay clear of the dangerous path and to always remember her family values. This had worked for her for many years. She stayed clear of trouble, did her school work and only choose boys who did not want to sleep with her. Two out of the three turned out to be gay, but nonetheless, she was not hurt or bothered. She had never fallen in love anyway and for the most part, she did not care. Her idea of an ideal partner was someone with good family values and ambition. She was never too concerned about the chemistry between a man and a woman and she told herself she was satisfied with her life. She pretended to not take notice of lovers holding hands. She rolled her eyes at any display of public display of affection. Soap operas made her cringe and she was mute when her friends spoke of their intense love affairs.

You would think her lack of interest in love would make her heart hardened. Sakura was not. She was as delicate as a flower. She wore sun dresses on rainy days and spent her nights eating Nutella from the jar with a tablespoon. She loved to read and walked her neighbors dogs every Saturday morning for free.

She told herself that Ryu was the perfect match. He was ambitious and came from a good family. There was no need for chemistry or passionate love. A mutual understanding which evolved into appreciation of one another's existence was enough. She she respected Ryu to a fault. He was debonair and many women wanted him. However he choose her.

Syaoran Li shook up feelings of fear and uneasiness in her soul whenever she thought about him too much. She felt an electric connection to him that made her unsure of herself and everything she believed in. She always reminded herself that he was her friends and he was the wrong option. He was the option that would break her heart. .

Syaoran Li wanted to fall in love. He had looked forward to it since his first encounter with a woman and he realised that he felt nothing for her. This was his secret. He liked the idea of growing old with someone. He loved the idea of having chemistry with someone. However, his reputation said otherwise. He found himself in affairs. Even when he was not trying, there was a woman out there plotting to have her way with him. He envied the chemistry between two people. He was yet to feel it. It was always gone before it arrived. He was jealous of public display of affection but he refused to enjoy those things with just anyone.

You would think that Syaoran was an outgoing man with charisma and a zest for life. For the most part he wore a bored haggard look. He gave the impression that life had not been good to him. He spent most of his evening playing video games while peanut butter from the jar with a tablespoon. Most people assumed he was at a raunchy night club looking for women. Most people thought he spent his evening in the company of a woman. But perception is a funny thing. Syaoran was bored...until the day he met Sakura.

When Sakura told him that she held the same perception of him as all others did, it wounded him. He thought she knew him better than that…perhaps not. Perhaps it was his fault; he did go through a phase where he was ploughing through women. How could he expect her to forget about that?

In the morning Sakura opened her eyes after a sleepless night. The weather in Kyoto had been good to them and she looked forward to less depressing day. When she turned to look at her partner, she caught him on his laptop…as usual. His laptop was like his mistress and Sakura had to watch the two of them love each other every day.

He raised an eyebrow when he caught her watching.

"Good morning beautiful." He said kissing her lips.

She rubbed her eyes "Wait, I need to get the sand out of my eyes." She imagined she looked terrible.

"Why do you always call it sand?"

Sakura lay back and smiled "My father used to always call it sand. He told me when I was little that the sandman visited me every night and sprayed a special sand in my eyes to make me sleep. That is why everyone wakes up with gunk in the morning."

Ryu laughed, his eyes focusing on the lap top screen "You do know he was lying to you?"

She nodded "Of course. I just got used to calling it sand."

He shook his head. Sakura could not make out what he thought and she felt desperate to know.

"So no one saw you last night when you came into my room right?"

"No." Sakura said getting out of bed and yawning. He asked her this several times the night before.

"Good. I need you to help me out with the presentation this morning."

Sakura was excited she looked at him with bright eyes "What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to just press the remote for the slide shows." he paused with a thoughtful face "Can you please also go into the conference room to make sure that everything is fine? Like the projector and switches are all working."

"Sure." Sakura said disappointed at the boring request. She thought she would be talking to the crowd or sharing her expertise.

As she brushed her teeth. Ryu used his laptop. As she showered, Ryu used his laptop. She even walked around the room naked, yet he hardly looked up. She wondered what it would be like if this was a romantic scenario. He would see her naked and drop everything to make love to her.

She shook the thought out of her head. It was nonsense.

She was ready to go downstairs for breakfast with her colleagues.

"I'm leaving now." She said. She wore skinny jeans and a jumper that wrote the companies name across it."

Ryu raised his head "Make sure no one sees you leave the room."

"Aren't you coming down for breakfast honey?" she asked in her most sweet voice that made her feel worthless and desperate.

"No." He waved his hand."I'll see you in the meeting."

Sakura nodded and awkwardly left the room.

She took the elevator down to the hotel restaurant and found that almost everyone was there. There was a cue at the buffet while a few them chatted sitting around the tables.

"Sakura!" Chiharu waved at her.

…..

Syaoran laughed at Koji's (a financial auditor) joke about accountants. It was genuinely funny and Syaoran was relieved that it was not one of his usual sex jokes. Koji loved adult humour and did not understand the concept of public decency. Sakura used to call him "Mr. Sexual Harassment." Because he would insisted on greeting women with a hug. His hugs were long and lingering. One of the ladies claimed they felt his manhood expand against their thigh. Nonetheless, Koji somehow managed to keep the job.

As the chatted Syaoran saw Sakura walk in. He looked away and told himself to try to forget about her. It did not look good that he was in the company of Koji either. No wonder Sakura thought he was just a womanizer. He wanted to push away then felt sorry himself for being desperate and for still needing Sakura's approval.

Sakura saw Syaoran from the other side of the room. She could already feel an uncomfortable sensation in her belly that went all the way up to her beating heart. She thought of their conversation the previous night. She knew she had been harsh and perhaps not everything she said was a true reflection of how she really felt about Syaoran Li. However, she had to push him away for her sake. He arouse feelings within her that made her feel out of touch with her emotions or who she thought she was. That night she had a wild dream of him. They were in alone in the office and he was making love to her. He was passionate and slightly aggressive as he pushed her up against the wall and kissed her neck, her earlobe. He softly held her breasts in his warm hands...that was when she woke up. She was breathing quickly and felt aroused. Her fiance was next to her snoring. Sakura knew that she could not go back to sleep. She could not allow herself to betray Ryu like that. She hated how deep down she wished it was not a dream. She thought of the movement of his flesh against hers, his breath on her body...the way his hands snuck under her skirt. Unable to contain herself, she had to drink a cup of water and try to clear her thoughts.

….

Mid-morning, everyone gathered in a room where a presentation was to take place. Ryu was going to tell them about conference and what was expected of them. Everyone was quiet when Ryu walked in. He had a clean cut look and wore a CEO suite…Syaorans view. Syaoran and Koji were sitting in front. Syaoran could not shake Koji off who some how got it in his head that they were buddies.

When Ryu tried turning on the projector it did not work. Sakura got up and tried to help him.

"Didn't you check?" He muttered angrily at her.

An awkward silence was in the room. It was in fact, a small room. Everyone could hear his whispers.

Sakura was nervous. She forgot to check. She got caught up in gossip and forgot a simple task.

"I..I forgot.." she said in a fearful embarrassed tone.

"You forgot?! You forgot!" Ryu was furious. "This is the last time I will ever ask you to do anything.I wonder what kind of accountant you are if you forget such a simple task."

As Syaoran watched this, he felt agitated. He wondered if he was the only one witnessing this.

Suddenly the words left his throat and he said "She made a mistake. Everyone does…and she is a really good accountant."

Ryu's eyes shot up in shock.

"Mr. Li, this does not concern you."

Syaoran could have let it go. Instead he said "I just don't like people being unfairly treated for a simple mistake."

"You think you are better than me? Might I remind you that I am your boss?"

"Yeah, I am aware that you are my superior." Syaoran said arrogantly "But, I don't appreciate the way you are talking to her."

Ryu sighed "I don't appreciate the way you are talking to me. You are fired."

Syaoran stood up "I quit."

Ryu clenched his teeth and stormed out of the room. Sakura looked at Syaoran and he at her.

He smiled at her then stood up.

Everyone was now whispering among each other. Most were confused about what had just happened.

Sakura then left the room and everyone assumed the meeting was canceled.

...

Her fiancé was acting like a baby but she could not say that. As far as he was concerned, it was her fault that Syaoran humiliated him.

"You know that Li guy?" He asked her pulling out his suitcase from under the bed.

"I know him." Sakura said with hesitation.

"Asshole! Fuck him. Who does he think he is? Smug bastard. I'm going to make sure he gets fired. I'm a CEO, why the fucking hell am I doing the job of the regional manager?"

"Because the previous regional manager quit?" Sakura said aware that it was a rhetorical question after.

He kept packing clothes into the suitcase.

"Where are you going?" Sakura asked.

"Hong Kong. Because that's where the CEOs are. Not this dump."

Sakura nodded. Hurt. Disappointed.

"Well, have a safe trip." She sat on the bed as he zipped up his suitcase.

"You are judging me. From that tone of yours I can tell you are judging me."

Sakura raised her shoulders "Right now…I don't care. Go to Hong Kong. You don't fit in here. It is true. You are used to rolling with the big boys."

Ryu coaxed his head "Alright. I sounded arrogant."

"Just a little." Sakura said.

He walked up to her "Give me a kiss."

Sakura turned her head away "You aren't the only one who was embarrassed today you know?"

He squinted his eyes. "Who else was humiliated?"

"I was humiliated." Sakura said. "Me."

He rested his head on her shoulder "Oh baby. I was just talking to you like we normally do. You know, pulling each other's leg?"

He kissed her mouth "I love you." He said "Very much."

Sakura backed away.

"Ok fine. Sorry. I messed up." He pleaded.

He stood up, pulled Sakura into his arms and hugged her. Sakura gave back a reluctant hug. She thought about Syaoran then pulled away.

"You cant fire Li Syaoran." she said again. Not caring this time what her fiance thought or the fact that Syaoran declared that he quit. She knew he only said it because he is stubborn and does not like feeling weak.

He raised an eyebrow "Why does it mean so much to you if I do? He quit, remember."

Sakura blushed as she thought back on kissing Syaoran "He is my friend. I know he didn't mean to quit." She tried to sound confident and casual.

"You don't need male friends." Ryu countered.

"He works hard."

Ryu smiled "There are many unemployed people out there who would gladly take the job and be better at it."

"What you do, will be unfair dismissal." Sakura argued.

"My father own the company. I can do as I please." Ryu said arrogantly.

Sakura took a deep breath.

"Okay, I'll get him transferred to the worst branch in the middle of nowhere."

Sakura said nothing.

"Why the fuck are you so concerned.

Sakura shrugged avoiding eye contact "Because I care about my friends and I don't like seeing people unfairly treated."

"I was unfairly treated to. You sound like him." he said suspiciously.

As she stared at him. His arrogance. The way he put her down. The way he did not care about her opinions. She started to question herself if she could really spend her life that way. He left for Hong Kong 20 minutes later. Sakura sat on the bed and thought. She closed her eyes and thought of a time and a place.

-flashback-

_It had been the second week working at the company. She had had not yet made friends and walked on egg shells. She feared she might do something wrong and loose the job. One evening she and Syaoran Li and another guy from accounting had to stay behind the office because there was a huge problem with the accounts. Sakura focused on her work while the two guys chatted across her. _

"_Hey!" A voice shot out to her._

_She turned around on her chair and saw one of the accountants resting his head close to the corner of her cubicle. He had messy brown hair. Intense amber eyes that made her uncomfortable and a small dimple on one chin that appeared whenever he was smiling while he spoke. He was about 1.80 meters tall with a medium built. _

_Her gaze halted and she looked up at him attentively._

"_Do you want the 2012 report?" She said quickly looking for the folder she had taken from his desk without asking._

"_It's okay." He said. "You can keep it...for till...I need it." He said awkwardly then bit lightly to his lower lip. _

_Sakura cleared her throat. He was making her nervous and sweaty. _

"_I should have asked." She said._

_He smiled "Don't worry about it. I just wanted to know if you would like pizza and what toppings do you want on your...pizza."_

"_Hell yeah, I love pizza." Sakura said trying to ease the awkward tension._

_He laughed a at her enthusiasm. _

" _I want Pepperoni, mushrooms, pineapples...loads of cheese. Olives..um chicken-"_

"_Or do you just want to buy the entire pizza hut restaurant?" He teased her and she blushed._

"_I'm sure they can put all those toppings."_

_She laughed nervously._

"_You should come to my side of the office?"_

_She raised her eyebrows "Why?"_

"_Because I have a basket ball hoop over my bit. My stapler always has staples and I'm three steps from the vending machine...which is both a blessing and a curse."_

_Sakura nodded and smiled "I'm sold."_

_She stood up and fixed her cardigan._

"_I'm Li Syaoran by the way. We didn't get a formal introduction" He said turning around to smile at her._

"_Kinomoto Sakura" _

_They reached his cubicle where the third accountant was on the phone. There were two chairs and packets of chips. Sakura looked around the place shyly. She could not believe that was his office space. It was like a mini man cave._

"_How do you get any work done?" she said after the third accountant stopped talking on the phone._

"_My wife is in labor." third accountant said nervously. _

"_Well, get to the hospital." Syaoran said to him happily._

_Third accountant grabbed his coat ran past them in panic. _

"_That's Dave." Syaoran said._

"_Cool." She nodded._

_"Do you wanna take his seat? Bring your laptop?"_

_Sakura smiled and nodded. "Sure." _

_Sakura brought her laptop to Syaoran's cubicle and sat where Dave was sitting. She found it easy to talk to Syaoran. He teased her for being the new one at work and her fear of bending the rules. They chatted about where they grew up and how they found out about the job._

_At one point, she noticed a tattoo peeking out of his fore arm. "Can I see your tattoo..if you don't mind."_

_He looked at her for a moment then said "Sure, its nothing special." He rolled up his sleeve. "It says "Xiao lang. Stupid mistake I made when I was 18"_

"_What does that mean?" _

"_It's my name...and it means little Wolf." _

_Sakura beamed "Is it Chinese?"_

"_Yes. I'm Chinese."_

"_You're Japanese is excellent. And cool tattoo." _

"_My family moved here years ago. I was 7." _

"_Xia...o...llang." Sakura tried pronouncing it. Syaoran laughed._

"_I saw you around the other day." She said "You looked bored and unapproachable." She chewed on pizza._

_He smiled "That's my Monday to Thursday face. No child dreams of one day being an accountant. It's just something that happens to you I guess. So, for the most part, I find this job boring."_

"_Why not do something else?" She asked._

_He raised his shoulders "Im in a really weird space in my life. I can't decided if I want to be responsible or have fun. I definitely need the money this job has to offer." _

"_I know exactly how you feel. Im also in a weird space." _

_Suddenly, a black out happened and they were sitting on the floor and eating pizza. They were laughing their eyes out. They told each other funny stories they had heard. Humiliating stories and sad stories. Sakura showed off her knowledge of sports which immediately impressed him. _

"_I grew up with two men. My father and brother. It would be shameful if I did not know a thing about football." _

_When Sakura looked at the time on her phone, she realized it was past mid night and they hardly got any work done. _

_The power came back on and he offered to drive her home. She was not certain if they would be able to make up for the time they wasted, but she was certain this was an interesting night. She felt like she had known Syaoran her entire life. He was exactly what she needed at that point in her life. His jokes were mostly funny and he had charm and boyish good looks._

_He drove up to the front of her apartment and there was silence._

"_This is me." Sakura said._

"_Looks like a nice place?" _

_She wondered if he was expecting her to invite her up. They locked eyes for a moment and then Sakura blurted out "I have a fiance!" _

_She covered her mouth, blushed all the way up to her ear and covered her mouth like a naughty child. Who was to say Syaoran was even thinking about her that way. _

"_Thanks...that..was informative." He said lightly. "Good night Kinomoto." _

_She quickly got out of the car "I'll see you tomorrow." It was presumptuous of her to believe that he wanted to come up stairs to her apartment. She knew she would have to redeem herself the next day and pretend it did not happen. She was sure about one thing. She did not hate Syaoran Li. In fact, he was great company and she felt an instant connection with him. _

_-end of flashback-_

Sakura opened her eyes and realized that she had fallen asleep and relived a memory in her dreams. She stood up and looked at the time on her writ watch "8:00" she muttered surprised. She had missed super and probably a seminar or two. What she really wanted to do was to see Syaoran. For a moment. Then she would return to her room and sleep. And discard the fact that she felt that way. She stood up and decided she would walk the corridors of the floor like she she was lost, and then she would accidentally bump into them. Fate had a way of bringing them together and she felt like she could rely on that.

She left the quiet hotel room and started walking slowly. She stared at Syaoran's door, a door away from where she was standing. "Was he upset?" or "Was he even in his room?" she asked herself. For all she knew he might be downstairs with the other colleagues having a grand time.

Feeling like an absolute idiot. She walked past his door and decided to go downstairs and see what everyone was up to.

She waited as the elevator came up, her eyes fixed on the numbers displayed on the top of the elevator door. She kept them there momentarily even though she knew that the elevator had arrived.

"Sakura." It was Syaoran's voice. Fate did indeed bring him to her.

She looked at him surprisingly and embarrassed. She could feel herself blushing. She expected anger and disdain in his eyes. His eyes were soft and sympathetic.

He opened his mouth as though to say something. Then he kept quiet and simply brushed past her.

Sakura did not know what to do. She stood there watching the elevator doors. She heard the sound of his shuffling as he probably looked for the card key to his room.

Sakura took a deep breath and walked up to him. She knew what she had done. She knew her mission had been to push him away. It was wrong to drag him into her confusion.

"Hi."

She said surprising him. He had been so focused on finding that card key, which he was now assuming he left downstairs.

"Hi." He looked into her eyes shamelessly.

"You didn't have to defend me against Ryu today." She said. She had not planned this conversation. She was just improvising. What she needed was that moment of his undivided attention, and then she would be content.

"If that's the way he always treats you, then you should leave him. I'm not just saying this because..." he paused. He needed to stop. He could not allow himself to be so vulnerable again in her presence.

Sakura reached her hand out and the tips of his fingers with hers.

He looked at her confused. She took a step close to him. She stooped on the tip of her toes and looking into his darling brown eyes. Those intense eyes that broke down all her senses and everything she believed in.

She kissed his lips and without question he pulled her into his arms and kissed her.

Syaoran pulled away reluctantly.

"Sakura, you can't push me away again…if this means you are mine…then let me have you."

...

To be continued


	6. surprise

**Always on my mind**

**Chapter 6**

**Surprise! **

"I don't know what's wrong with me. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since that night after the Christmas party. I think of what happened, what could have and what did."

Syaoran nodded, his eyes staring intensely back at hers as he took in the information he wanted to hear in months.

"There is something between us..."

"Yes..." He nodded softly.

"And I hate myself for feeling the way I do." Sakura did not want to speak anymore. She felt like she had made herself as clear she possibly could under the circumstances. He cupped the back of her delicate neck and gently guided her to his lips to kiss her.

He their foreheads touched momentarily and they did not kiss. They did not speak. They only sound between them were the fast breaths they took.

They both pulled away and Syaoran said "I need to go get the card key to my room." He said quickly. "Will you be here?"

She nodded and smiled.

As he rushed to the elevator he could not help the thumping in his heart. He felt happy and worried at the same time. What if she was going to disappear by the time he returned. He realized he was being paranoid but he could not help it.

The elevator was not coming up...perhaps stuck or busy. He rushed down the stairs, walked quickly past the lobby to the bar, took it from Koji's hand before koji could speak. He ran across the lobby to the stairs, all the way back to seventh floor and found Sakura just as he left her. He took a deep breath and said "You are still here." He felt embarrassed at how anxious he was.

"Yeah...I'm not going anywhere."

He smiled and opened the door. He let her walk in first and stared at her bottom for a moment before closing the door.

She turned around and said "Now that you have me right where you wanted me, what do you want to do with me?"

He smiled at her and ran a hand through his disheveled locks.

"Do you want to watch a movie? See whats on TV."

Sakura laughed, she did not expect this. She was expecting to be undressed and thrown on the bed.

"That's not the answer I expected."

He moved up to her and circled his arms around her waist "I still want to kiss you.."

He kissed her neck, Sakura giggled as he playfully nuzzled his nose in the river of her neck.

"Okay." She smiled "We will watch TV."

He let her go and took off his jumper and she did the same. The flat screen TV was built into the wall overlooking the king sized bed.

As she took off her jumper he looked at her breasts for the corner of his eyes and imagined them in the palm of his hands before shaking off the thought. He was not going to try to sleep with her. That was his goal...to sleep in the same bed with her without taking it to the next level. He felt like he had to prove to her that he wanted her...because he was in love with who she is and how she made him feel.

They lay on his bed with the TV on and said nothing for the first ten minutes. She touched his hand... rested on his chest and he kissed her lips then her nose. It was these small gestures that had them smiling. Her legs were tangled in his and they completely forgot about the film.

Their kisses became passionate once more and Sakura ran a hand through his shirt. Syaoran's body jerked and he stopped her.

"Lets not have sex."

Sakura blushed feeling like an absolute pervert. It was probably a good idea...she was still engaged after all. All the same time she had already crossed so many lines. She was an adulterer. She tried not to think about her sin. She was going to scold herself later about it. She much more preferred to be in love and feel different volumes of pleasure across her deprived body.

"Sakura. Don't get me wrong...I want you...I've thought about us going there." He said. "But I also just want to be with you..." He found that he her struggling to explain what he was trying to do. Here he was thinking he was a decent guy on the one hand. He never found the strength to ever wait to sleep with someone but here he was, ready not to sleep with a woman he strongly wanted to.

"I understand." She said to him. She was happy he made that choice. She felt reassured that this was not just some sexual affair.

They cuddled and both feel asleep with the movie on.

That morning when Sakura woke up, she noticed that Syaoran was still asleep. She smiled and rested a soft hand on his chest. She observed him lovingly and blushed at the thought of everything that was happening.

He woke up. He eyelashes twitched before he opened his eyes and looked at her "You are so so beautiful." He said. The sun beams from the shutters went across her features.

He cleared his throat and said "I can't believe I've know you for over a year and it took me this long to realize how I feel about you. I always thought you were beautiful and brilliant and kind...I just didn't see how much I love all these things about you."

"You love me?" Sakura's eyes were misty and her face softened.

Syaoran bit his lower lip "Of course I do...I love you."

Sakura kissed Syaoran on the mouth. He was disappointed that she did not respond to his proclamation of love. Perhaps it was too soon to say it.

"I'm going to leave Ryu when he returns from Hong Kong tomorrow." she said confidently.

He nodded "Okay." He did not want to expose how extremely happy he was.

Sakura peeled herself away from him "I need to get out of your room before we are office gossip. I don't want this to blow up in our face."

"Yeah, I understand."

Sakura started to put on her jumper "The bus leaves in an hour."

He sat back and watched her as she told her further about what he had know but forgotten about the trip. The big breakfast downstairs that they were missing that included gifts to the employees. He did not care. In fact, he was expecting that Ryu was going to fire him on Monday. He was not bothered by it. As long as he had Sakura in his life...that was all he needed.

Sakura returned to the bed, climbed up on to of him in an erotic way that surprised him before she kissed passionately. He had his hands on her bottom before she moved away from him quickly.

"Okay, I have to go. We will be together tomorrow. I need to make sure everything is right." She waved a hand and giggled before leaving the room.

Syaoran took a deep breath "That was tough." He muttered to himself. He could feel heat in his ears and in his cheeks.

The caught the bus back to Tokoyo on time. They had to seat far from each other but it didn't matter. They knew what was happening between them and the short distance would not change anything.

Sakura looked out the window as the bus sped through the high way. She tried to figure out how she would tell Ryu about her decision to end the engagement. She imagined that sending a text message was wrong. She decided she would visit him as soon as he returned and tell him. It was only a matter of days.

She spent another night with Syaoran. This time at his apartment. He made dinner, the went out to rent DVDs and cuddled in front of the television. It looked like a snow storm was brewing and it felt like it had been the longest winter of all time.

Sakura removed herself from the window and sat on counter. Her legs dangled and he washed the dishes staring back at her every now and then. In belief that he was at her apartment. That they shared a meal together and he could kiss her when ever he felt like it. He did not want to think about how she was only partially his. He preferred this ignorance for now.

Sakura blushed when he looked at her "You are such a neat freak." She commented noticing how clean the apartment was.

Syaoran was hardly a neat freak, he wanted to impress her. He cleaned the flat thoroughly when she informed him that she would love to visit him. He filled up what was normally an empty fridge with wine and snacks.

"I'm nearly done." He said putting away the last dish. They had not made love yet and they both thought about it whenever they were together. They both understood the wait now and it was something wonderful to look forward to.

Before he could turn around she was hugging him from behind "I need to go. Ryu is back" She said. She did not want to leave him.

Syaoran bit his lower lip and the mention of Ryu. He remember the events of that morning when one of the senior managers called him into the office and told him he was no longer at employee at Ovations. The reason given was that the company needed to retrench. Syaoran knew exactly why he lost his job. Momentarily, he was furious. He did not imagine it would actually happen. He walked with his back hunched as he walked out of the managers office. He had not inquire or begged.

The other employees clearly knew what had happened. They whispered behind corners and looked at him with pity in their eyes.

"The job market is tough Syaoran." Eriol commented when they met by the water cooler.

"It will be okay."

"Do you know how many accountants there are in Tokyo? Do you know how competitive it is?"

Syaoran sighed "What am I supposed to do?"

"Ask for your job back." Eriol said.

Syaoran shrugged. Eriol did not understand how complicated the situation was. Syaoran did not mention that he was in love with the bosses fiance and she felt the same way. He felt sorry for himself but only to some extent. He would think of Sakura, her smiling face and he would forget about the world of unemployment that was possibly awaiting him.

"So how long before you leave?"

Syaoran squeezed the plastic cup in his palms "A week." He said.

When he looked up he could see Sakura talking to a colleague. His heart raced and he watched her before she looked back at him and smiled shyly. He turned away as to not raised suspicion.

They arrived to work separately and spoke sparingly.

In the late afternoon he left a note on Sakura's table and asked her to meet him in the broom closet. He waited for 10 minutes before she appeared and they kissed passionately. Her body was against the wall as he thrusts his body to hers not wanting an inch of space between them. He would have made love to her there but held back.

She was heaving looking lustfully at him. She had heard the stitched in her jacket slightly tear but she could not be bothered. He fixed his tie and used his finger to comb through his hair. There was something exhilarating about what they were doing...exchanging glances from across the room, leaving each other notes and desiring to touch each other all the time.

Sakura's phone vibrated. She looked at quickly then put it away. It must have been Ryu but Syaoran did not ask.

He kissed her instead "Better get back to work."

"Can we just not." She said excited "Can we stay in the broom closet and kiss till our lips are swollen?"

He chuckled. "I'll see you tonight." He whispered in her ear.

"I'm sorry about the job." She added even though she made her concern clear to him earlier. She knew in due time she too would be unemployed or would have to resign.

...

That night, Sakura insisted on taking the taxi home. She drove up to Ryu's apartment like he had asked to. She had hardly heard a word from him the past two days. She did not miss him or was mildly concerned about the reason he had not text. She wanted to leave him as soon as possible.

She knocked on the big black wooden door and waited for him to come open. She contemplated what she would say to him and how she would say it. Would she reveal that she was cheating on him? Would she tell him it was Syaoran...was this going to end bad?

The door open and Ryu was standing in a suite. He looked neat with his dark hair pulled back straight. He was wearing a 3 piece suite which was even more unusual. Sakura took in his appearance and asked "Are you going somewhere?"

He walked up to her, pulled her into his arms and kissed her. Sakura pulled back and said "Um...what are you doing? Whats going on?"

"I missed you baby." He said in a sweet soft voice that was not like him.

Sakura shuddered but he was not inviting him in nonetheless. His house looked warm and inviting from where she was standing and she did not imagine that she would want to go in as much as she did now.

"I need to talk to you." She said. She suddenly felt like she wanted to urinate...then she wanted to sneeze. She was so agitated and felt like something horrible was about to happen. Ryu took her hand, peeled the black leather glove from it. Sakura just stared at him in awe.

"Where is your engagement ring?" He asked her suddenly breaking his calm and gentle demeanor.

"I'm not wearing it." She stopped wearing it the moment she voluntarily went to Syaoran's room for his affection.

"It's fine..you can't wear it under the glove." He looked into her eyes, those pale emotionless eyes stared at her with a passion she had never seen.

"I'm sorry. I know I acted like a jerk last week. When I was in Tokyo all I thought about was you and us. I realized how much I don't want to loose you. I was serious the first time I asked you to marry me. I know I have been so busy and stressed but I love you. We have been engaged for 9 months and I'm ready...I want us to get married."

Sakura took a step back.

"Ryu...I..."

He took a step to her and gave her his hand "I have a surprise for you.

Sakura was speechless...she found her feet moving and she followed him into his apartment. It was a big apartment with high walls and ceilings.

When she got in, Ryu's sister was standing before Sakura in a beautiful champagne color silky dress.

"Hi Sakura...welcome to your suprise wedding."

Sakura's jaw dropped and her mouth went dry. She could not react. Ryu's sister hugged her "I'm so happy, you will officially be my sister in law."

Sakura looked at Ryu from across his sisters shoulder. She was smiling from ear, unable to make out her expression. He did not know her well enough. If he did, he would have seen the panic in her eyes.

"Your dress is upstairs. Our families are in the living-room waiting for you."

Sakura's heart sunk.

"I hope you like it." Ryu said and Ryu's sister released Sakura. "I think this was your vision." He was blushing...he was glowing...he was happy.

Ryu's sister pulled Sakura's hand "Your dress is upstairs? Lets go."

Sakura found feet moving. She wanted to cry, she wanted to run out and scream. When she was upstairs in Ryu's room, her dress was hung up against the wall. It was a beautiful, strapless princess gown. It was all she ever wanted for her wedding. She stared at it when a pair of hands started to force her clothes off encouraging her to quickly change.

She tried to get away from them. She had to find her phone and tell Syaoran what was happening. She needed to get away. She thought of exit strategies...she would not marry this man. She did not want to.

The next thing she was standing in the mirror with her short hair combed back, a small princess crown and the wedding gown dazzling on her. She did not even know who half of the women were. They were keen in making sure she looked like the perfect bride. It was a though they were under strict military orders. They stripped her almost naked just to get her in the dress. At one point she had to hold her hands over her nipples.

Ryu's sister started to talk about the wedding surprise to her. Sakura was not listening. She felt light headed and weak..she still needed to use the bathroom. The commotion was overwhelming. She thought of Syaoran and asked for her phone. She remember that one of the ladies pulled her back straight off her shoulders with a wide smile on her face.

"Don't keep him waiting." One said.

"You are so lucky." Another said.

Sakura's heart started to beat. Hey mind was calling out for Syaoran to come save her. She sat there with a blank look on her face before the ladies pulled her out of her seat and told her to get downstairs. They ran past her "See you in the livingroom."

Sakura walked slowly.

Her heals were too tight and the dress was squeezing her breasts in an uncomfortable manner. She understood how beautiful she looked...the most beautiful she ever has. She could hear light classical music in the background and held her hand to her heart.

As she approached the steps, she felt like the room was spinning. She would run out in the wedding dress in the snow...or she would be brave, walk into the living room and tell everyone that she was not getting married.

Suddenly when she was about to take a step towards the stairs, she stepped on the train on the dress and tumbled down the the stairs.

...

To co continued


	7. The Fear

**Always on my mind**

**Chapter 7**

**The Fear**

Syaoran stared at his cell phone biting the tip of his thumb. He ran a hand through his hair then stood up to look outside the window. The snow storm seemed to be getting worse and he worried that perhaps Sakura was stranded somewhere in the cold. She had been gone for four hours to tell her fiancé she was leaving him so that he could be with her. There had been no word from her and she was not answering his calls. He grew weary and tried not to consider the possibility that she was still with Ryu…even worse, that she decided not leave him for some virtuous reason.

He decided to crawl into his bed and be miserable there as he waited for that important call or text. As he lay there with is back hunched and his eyes staring at the ceiling, he became heartbroken for some reason. His mind could not fathom why she was not accepting his calls.

"She choose you Syaoran." He told himself. He knew he would not sleep that night. He was worried about her, he was worried for himself. He was worried about his being because he did not know what he would do if she was no longer a part of his life.

That morning, after a sleepless night and not a word from Sakura, he called Chiharu. The only person he knew who was friends with Sakura. It him momentarily how much of a secret their love had been. There was no one in the world who could testify that there was something between them.

The phone rang and his heart beat as he walked across the kitchen. He clenched his fist then unclenched it. He was not fond of Chiharu because he found her to be too talkative and too charismatic. He imagined that new of this phone call would be latest office gossip.

"Hello!" She said in a cheerily voice that made him cringe. He was miserable and was not in the mood for cheerful formalities.

"It's Syaoran." He said certain that she did not have his number saved in her phone.

"Oh, Mr. Li. Well this is a surprise. Are you looking for Sakura?"

"Yes." He said impatiently.

"She is in the hospital…did you know." Chiharu was calm as she spoke and sounded pre-occupied.

Syaorans heart sank in the pit of his stomach "Hospital? What happened to her?"

"She fell down a long flight of stairs. Apparently. She was getting married…to the CEO? Can you believe that? The CEO is her fiancé…I was not even invited to the wedding. You think you know people…I suppose it's not her fault."

Syaoran could feel his eyes get misty and he did not want to shout at Chiharu who was still talking, now telling Syaoran about her own wedding day.

"Chiharu." Syaoran interrupted her "Tell me what happened to Sakura."

"Oh yes, Sakura. I'm sorry. Apparently she is alright. Just fractured her leg, her hand and neck. She has to wear a neck brace."

He took a deep breath, he felt worried and slightly relieved. He will think about the wedding later. He mind was not ready to tackle all of the information at once.

"Which hospital is she at?"

"Shinjuku Private Hospital, you know it? Rich people go there when they get sick. That CEO fiancé of hers must be loaded."

"I know it." He said running to his room to search for a jacket and shoes.

"I'm going later this afternoon. I couldn't get them to let me leave work early this morning. How insensitive is that? Our colleague is in the hospital and they won't let us leave, at least you are fired. I get this strange feeling you are in love with her?"

Syaoran had stopped listening to her awhile back.

"Are you in love with her?" Chiharu yelled.

"Yes." Syaoran said. It felt good to finally tell someone even though it was Chiharu.

"Wow, well…you better do yourself a favour and get over her."

Syaoran ended the call annoyed. He grabbed a leather jacket and keys and started his way out of the building.

He did not know what he would do when he reached the hospital. There was a huge possibility that Ryu was there overseeing things. He imagined a crowd of people who meant the world to Sakura but nothing to him waiting for her to wake up.

As soon as he found a parking spot he ran into the building. He kept walking straight, his brain was on shut down and his heart kept his bod going.

"Sir!" A voice yelled out.

It was the receptionist. A plump lady with a beautiful face. Her cheeks were rosy and she wore crimson lipstick. Syaoran stopped in his tracks and turned to look at her.

"You just can't walk through." She said "You need to talk to me first."

"Right. Of course." Syaoran snapped out of it. "I'm here to see Sakura." He shook his head "I mean Kinomoto Sakura? Is she here?"

The lady raised her eyebrows "You mean the young lady who fell down a flight of stairs in a wedding dress."

"Yes." He said quickly.

"Are you family?"

Syaoran looked at the woman carefully and hesitated "No."

"Well, you can't see her."

"I'm a close friend." He retaliated.

She took a deep breath "I don't want to a Bitch but its hospital policy. You are a good looking man. I trust you. But it is strictly family…unless her next of kin says its okay."

"Who is her next of kin?" Syaoran knew the answer.

"Mr. Ryuki…his family funds the hospital you know. It's such a long morning. This place is flooding with patients of all sorts. What's your name anyway? If you want we can do lunch later."

It felt like chatting to Chiharu all over again. A conversation loaded with more useless information than useful to him. He was pretty sure he was explicitly being invited to flirt.

He straightened his back "Can I talk to Mr. Ryuki?"

"I'll ask someone to call him for you." The woman winked as though this was a scandalous favour "Because you are so pretty."

Syaoran nodded. He did not smile of gesture that he was thankful. His disposition went above her. She failed to read the sadness in his eyes, the trembling in his hands and how descended his eyebrows remained throughout the conversation.

"You can wait there." She pointed at a couch by a window with her pen.

He moved slowly to it and sat down. At least the snow storm was over and there was a small ray of sunlight that he failed to fully appreciate.

"What are you doing here?" Ryu's voice sounded off a short distance from him.

He raised his head. The man was in a suite. He looked tired and angry.

"I'm here to see Sakura. Is she alright." Syaoran tried to sound calm and friendly.

"You can't see her."

Syaoran raised an eyebrow "Is she alright? Is she awake?" He asked trying to keep himself composed despite how angry the mere presence of Ryu made him feel.

"What are you doing here? You have no business here…you are just her colleague."

Syaoan figured then that Ryu and Sakura were still engaged.

"We are good friends…you can ask anyone from our department." He said defensively.

"I don't want you here again! Or anywhere near her." Ryu said in an angry whisper.

Syaoran sighed "Are you serious?"

"Yes I am serious. When Sakura wakes up we are going to marry. We have been together for over a year and I don't know what you want or expect. You are nothing but an accountant."

Syaoran's eyebrows shot up and he was more humoured than angered now. He laughed then said "Woah…where is all this coming from."

"Don't play me for a fool. I know you love her. I've seen you look at her during work meetings."

"So you are threatened by me." Syaoran said "I am just an accountant…remember."

"Fuck you." Ryu said in a hostile tone. His blue eyes shot out at Syaoran who kept a smug look on his face.

Ryu started walking away "You will never see her again. I'll see to it."

As he watched Ryu's back Syaoran feel heat in his veins. He said aloud immediately guarding Ryu's full attention. "I don't need to know you to know that you are an asshole. You and I are very different because I would never treat her like shit. I know she's your fiancé. I also know that you absolutely do not deserve her, even remotely. You are only with her to prove that you are not the most selfish person in the West fucking hemisphere. Sakura is not some tool for you to stroke your ego with. She is a beautiful, fully-formed woman. Dazzling in her complexity, maddening in her mystery and you underestimate her every fucking day and because of that you will never make her truly happy."

The receptionist watched Syaoran with amazement and she fell in love.

"You don't know what you are talking about."

"She has feelings for me…did you know that? Did you know she was in my bed last night?"

Syaoran staggered back when Ryu slammed his fist into Syaorans face. Syaoran bent back and felt his knuckles swish past his nose. Ryu shook his fist and winced.

Syaoran touched the blood that came out from his nose before throwing a punch at Ryu. He missed and Ryu grabbed the collar of Syaoran's shirt and slammed him against the wall and punched him through the stomach with his other hand. Syaoran was surprised Ryu's strength. He took in the blow and pushed Ryu away and managed to get in a punch.

The receptionist was screaming hysterically and called security.

Syaoran and Ryu were on the floor suddenly. Ryu was on top of Syaoran choking him angrily "I'm going to kill you." He repeated himself through clenched jaws. The security guards came through and tore Ryu from Syaoran, possibly saving his life. Syaoran was convinced that Ryu was capable of murder.

He stood up and took a deep breath before going into a short coughing fit. Blood was trickling over his lips and dripping on his clothes.

Ryu was still in rage as the security guard held him back.

"Get this man out of here. He is an imposter. Make sure he does not come here again. You hear me?! You will never see her again!"

….

Sakura slowly opened her eyes. He joints felt stiff, her mouth tasted like medicine and she could feel pain in her neck. She looked around the room. She was not in her bedroom. Perhaps she was dreaming. She blinked hard as memories came back to her. She had fallen down a flight of stairs in a beautiful wedding gown. She was about to get married to a man she was sure she did not love. At the time she was plotting ways to escape the ordeal.

She tried to speak but her voice did not come to her. Tears escaped the corner of her eyes. She was wearing a neck brace. Her hand and legs were in a cast. She tried to sit up but could not move. She wiggled her fingers and toes…and for a moment she felt alive.

Fear overcame her and she wanted to tell someone she was awake. There were flowers in her room. The television was on but on mute. There was a painting of the wall of sunflowers.

Her thoughts went to Syaoran and more tears fell down her cheeks. She never told him she loved him…she was still engaged to Ryu. Did he know what had happen to her? Did he come visit her? Was he furious when he found out that she was in a wedding dress at her wedding when the accident happened? Was he heartbroken? Did he think she had forgotten or abandoned him?

The door finally opened. Sakura desperately it was Syaoran. He would kiss her with the passion and zest he always gave her. He would carry her off the bed and they would walk through the hospital hallways with all eyes on them.

However, it was her brother who came through the door with her father behind him. Sakura was still relieved and happy to see them.

They smiled and Touya said "She is awake."

"How are you feeling?" He father asked.

Sakura could not speak. The pain in her neck somewhat felt worse.

"You'll be able to speak soon." Touya said. He stood next to her and kissed her forehead "You scared us Kaiju. You scared the hell out of us."

They spoke to her and told her what the doctors were saying. She would need physical therapy. They said she would be back to normal in a months. Her neck injury could have been worse but it was minor. She would need to be on a wheelchair for a week and someone should take care of her. The doctor said the injuries were not so bad but to Sakura, this sounded horrible.

Ryu came to see her after. They were alone. Ryu's face looked beaten up. There was a fresh scar on his lip. Sakura could not speak or ask. He caressed her check and kissed her lips. Sakura could not turn her face away to break the kiss.

"I'm thinking we move to Osaka." He said. "My parents have an estate there. We can get a live in physical therapist. You don't have to worry. You will be back on your feet soon."

Sakura wanted to say no but she could not. She looked at his with eyes she wanted him to read but he failed to look at her. It was as though she had done something wrong and he was accepting it. He did not want to let her go. He made it clear. He touched her fingers and tears came to his eyes when he said "I know I'm impossible. Arrogant."

He looked at his fingers.

He stood up and took off the jacket.

"There is a reason I asked you to be my wife. It was not because my family wanted me to marry if I want to keep my inheritance…"

He paused and walked out the window.

"Initially, yes. My intentions were not good. But I do…I do love you and I hope deep down you believe that." His adams apple vibrated as he spoke.

Sakura closed her eyes. She hated that she was mute. She felt sympathy for Ryu for the first time. She understood him better…but she did not love him. Not in the way a wife should love their husband.

…..

A week passed and she had seen everyone but Syaoran. She looked at her cell phone to find it was formatted. Someone had been tampering with her phone. She did not want to imagine that Ryu was the one who did it.

She could speak now but failed every time to tell Ryu that she wanted to leave him. Despite the fact that she was the one in the hospital bed, he was more tragic. He brought her flowers. He made sure her needs were met. He called her friends to come see her including Chiharu who was here for the second time.

Chiharu was changing the channels on the tv "So when can you go home."

"Next week." Sakura said.

"That's good? Are you coming back to work?"

Sakura shook her head "I don't know. There are many things I need to think about."

"Did Syaoran visit you?" Chiharu looked at her for a moment.

Sakura felt her eyes get misty at the mention of Syaoran. "No." She said.

She wanted to coil into a ball and cry. She missed him, horribly.

"That's weird. He seemed so keen to see you when he heard you were here."

"He did?" Sakura asked.

"Yea. He like you. Did you know?"

Sakura did not say anything.

"Did you know he likes you?"

Sakura still said nothing. Instead she tried to shift her body and said "What did he say."

"He was worried about you. He said he was going to come see you. Maybe he changed his mind. Maybe he realised that you belong to someone else." The thought of that worried Sakaura.

"Well, I told him to get over you." She said proudly as though she deserved a friend of the year award "Yes, he is attractive…he is. Even I've had fantasies about him. But he is one of those men."

Sakura wanted Chiharu to leave. She wanted to ask her if she could use her phone to call Syaoran but held back. What would she tell him? Why was he not with her?

….

Syaoran sat in the parking lot and stared at the hospital doors. It had been a tiresome week of sleepless night and failed attempts to get through the doors. He asked Chiharu to send a message to Sakura. Chiharu was not pleased with the request and asked him to let Sakura be. The security guards knew him now and warned him not to park there. He was not going to let Ryu win. He missed Sakura horribly. He was unemployed and it looked like he was losing the girl. He almost felt like a creep, sitting in his car waiting for a window of opportunity. He had junk food in the passenger seat and sat back waiting for something to happen.

Suddenly it did, the doors opened and he saw Sakura. He sat up, his lips slightly parted at the sight of her. She was on a wheelchair and Ryu was pushing her when a car appeared to get them. Syaoran squinted his eyes and wished he was closer. He wished he could see her face. He wondered if she was content.

"Did Ryu just win?" He muttered to himself still looking at them.

…..

To be continued

A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews, motivation's and request for more chapters. I will make sure I finish the story.


End file.
